Steven “The Whispering Ponytail” Seagal stars as an Environmental Protection Agency officer who is also exceptionally well trained in firearms and kung fu (I never knew such training is required for collecting water samples and pollution statistics, but I’m definitely sleeping better knowing that these pencil-pushers are also great at hand-to-hand combat).
Kris “Me & Bobby McGee” Kristofferson plays the heavy, a businessman who cares little about destroying the environment (but is smart enough to have a bedroom adjacent to his office).
Kris, along with a host of other music legends like Levon Helm, Marty Stuart, Travis Tritt, and Randy Travis might make you think this is a good movie, but I’m sorry to report that it is not.
The action is sparse, the drama routine, and not even the glorious singing and dancing of Harry Dean Stanton can save this oafish misfire, a movie that might not be about environmentalism as much as it is about Steven Seagal’s incredible collection of leather jackets: black regular, black with “Santa Fe” flair, black 3/4 length, black 15/16 length, golden brown tasseled, etc. Such a strong procession of leather goods (along with execrably wonderful “blooze” music, some penned by the man himself) kept me awake for the duration, but my Seagal curiosity ends here.
Check it out if you are into name-checking better hicksploitation movies (“Deliverance”) during your own hicksploitation movie, lovely sunsets, or orifice-related threats.
“The Whispering Ponytail,” indeed. Thanks for the LOL & the heads up, Ajax. I’ll be sure to miss it.