“Red Scorpion” (1988)

An alabaster Soviet fights Cubans in Africa.

After the white-hot airboat driving and suburbia-destroying intensity of “Invasion U.S.A.” I just had to see what else could possibly come from the addled mind of director Joseph Zito.

Unfortunately, the answer is “not much.”

“Red Scorpion” might be the worst movie I’ve ever sat through? Dolph “He-Man” Lundgren stars as a Soviet soldier (known as a “spetsnaz,” a word the movie kept insisting we already knew all about) who goes undercover to infiltrate rebels in Africa.

When he fails in his mission, he is tortured by his own country (I’m not sure why) but he escapes to the desert where he is stripped to his short-shorts and brought back to life by a friendly bushman. The two of them pal around for awhile but don’t really make friends. Dolph kills a boar with a spear and maybe learns an important lesson?

This movie has no women in it at all, but there is a giant helicoper and king of the B’s Brion “Cyberjack” James (stretching with a Cuban accent!).

If I had to cut this movie down to only awesomeness it would be maybe 15 seconds long and feature only two scenes: the one where Dolph is covered in scorpions and the one where Dolph’s boobs are pierced (“I have 40 needles!” the torturer promises).

I still love Dolph though, I’m sure he’s in something good that I’ll accidentally watch someday.

Check it out if you are into feeling like you’re watching “Star Wars: The Tatooine Chronicles,” hearing Little Richard’s “Good Golly Miss Molly” over and over, or the nadir of hero M. Emmet Walsh’s career.

(I paid $3 to watch this on Prime — ouch!)

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Ajax Green

Ajax Green

Ajax Green lives in Oakland, California, and watches a lot of movies.

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