Turbulence 3: Heavy Metal (2001)

turbulence3

Marilyn Manson fights satanists at 10,000 ft.

On paper, this is the best movie of all time: a rock band (“Slade Craven”) stages their last concert on a 747 in flight, but the singer is kidnapped and replaced with a satanic imposter, who is going to crash the plane into a church to open a portal to hell (but only if the internet viewership of the live broadcast reaches 10,000 viewers!).

Luckily a hacker has hacked into the mainframe and can help the kidnapped singer fight back!

Starring Rutger “The Hitcher” Hauer, Joe “Fat Tony” Mantegna, and Craig “Voyage of the Rock Aliens” Shaffer, how can this movie possibly go wrong!

While this movie is not as good as it should be (Mantegna only appeared in two rooms and a car, Hauer appears only in the cockpit, and the songwriting is abysmal), T3:HM is still a lot better than “Gargoyles” (1972) and “Double Impact” (1991), but not quite as good as “Hard Target” (1993).

There are a lot of cutaways to webpage counters (one LED counter is ensconced in the jaws of a scary skull!) and primitive web pages, but the weirdness of watching an empowered Marilyn Manson lookalike landing an airplane is absolutely unforgettable.

“Yeah!” He yells in triumph as the credits roll.

Check it out if you are into googling “hacker movies” and then watching whatever comes up, actors who look like accountant dads dressed up as death rockers, or sequels to movies that you’ve never seen and only made $12 at the box office.

Ajax Green

Ajax Green

Ajax Green lives in Oakland, California, and watches a lot of movies.

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