Under Siege 2: Dark Territory (1995)

A deadly chef is the only man who can stop mercenaries on a train.

This movie opens with a space center control room where scientists are using an elaborate satellite to look at butts on a beach. “Zoom and enhance!” someone shouts, and as the butt gets closer and less pixelated, I couldn’t help wonder if maybe these scientists could have saved millions of dollars by simply buying an issue of Playboy magazine?

Steven Seagal whispers and slap-fights his way through this derivative yet highly entertaining mash up of “Die Hard,” “Cliffhanger,” and “Runaway Train,” and all your favorite bad guys are there too (Jonathan “Breaking Bad” Banks, Everett “Twin Peaks” McGill, and Peter “Pulp Fiction” Greene).

Seagal’s effectiveness, like most action stars, is directly proportional to the number of words he has to say, and in US2:DT he uses a neat trick of refusing to speak at normal volumes. “Don’t make me raise my voice!” he squeaks intimidatingly.

Young Katherine “Grey’s Anatomy” Heigl plays a kid who knows how to fight (but doesn’t). The stunts are huge, the jokes are lame, and Steven Seagal is a chef! In fact the only way he can warn the Pentagon about the destruction of the eastern seaboard is to send a fax to Olive Garden.

Check it out if you are into eye trauma, baking a cake in a microwave oven or never really understanding what “Dark Territory” is.

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Ajax Green

Ajax Green

Ajax Green lives in Oakland, California, and watches a lot of movies.

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