Waterworld (1995)

After the polar ice caps melt, life becomes aquatic.

This movie starts with pee-drinking. Scene 1: hero drinks his own pee! Granted it is filtered through a makeshift pee filtering device, but still! Gross, right?

Kevin Costner is terrible as a hero in any movie — if anything he should be cast as “bank clerk #1” or “grocer” — his dialog reading is not quite Keanu-level bad but it’s pretty close!

But KC’s got a great boat and he knows how to use it: swinging from one end of his trimaran to the other and aggressively operating winches. If there was an Oscar for winch-operating, this movie would have won it.

I don’t like Kevin Costner but I love “Waterworld” because it asks the question: “What if the ‘The Road Warrior’ was on a boat and had zero charisma?”

Dennis “Out of the Blue” Hopper plays “the bad guy” and he’s full of fun lines like “he’s like a turd that won’t flush!” (an odd choice of words as no one in this movie has seen a toilet for hundreds of years).

Also fortunate is that despite a lifetime of bad nutrition (see: pee-drinking), Jeanne “Basic Instinct” Tripplehorn isn’t missing any teeth and looks fantastic in her tiny seaweed clothes.

Check it out if you are into submersible jet-skis, lonely desperadoes who still manage to respect women, or playing tetherball with an airplane.

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Ajax Green

Ajax Green

Ajax Green lives in Oakland, California, and watches a lot of movies.

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